From loss comes...

The power people hold when they are driven by a force that personally affects them is unstoppable. The attacks on September 11^th, 2001 impacted everyone and the effects are still felt today. Survivors continue to fight, including the recent exclusion of cancer from the 9/11 fund. We find ourselves second guessing people in ways that we may never have thought ourselves capable. At airports, we are reminded regularly when we remove our shoes, our laptops, our liquids, that not very long ago, the unthinkable happened. So many people are scarred from the images, sounds, and thoughts of this horrible event. Yet rising from the devastation are family members, friends, and others banding together to remember and to support one another as we quickly approach ten years. Groups such as Families of September 11, Tuesday’s Children, and WTC United continue to provide support to survivors and family members. Family members of those lost on September 11^th have spread their reach to include supporting people in other countries with organizations such as Beyond the 11^th and The Peter Goodrich Memorial Fund. As a wise beyond her years young lady once told me, “when people come together they can do great things”. Truer words have never been spoken. The 10 year mark of 9/11 reminds us further that anniversaries of losses are an opportunity to remember, to reflect, and to take action.

Young Widow & Widower Therapy Group

Young widows and widowers have unique issues in their grieving process. While support in general grief groups is beneficial, the additional issues specific to younger widows and widowers can be addressed more fully in a group specifically focused on the complications associated with losing a spouse too early in life. This group is designed as a therapeutic group, not a peer support group. The group consists of 8 structured sessions covering grief topics and therapeutic techniques. An additional benefit to attending a therapeutic group is that the cost is significantly less than that of individual therapy sessions. The group meets every Thursday from 12:30 - 1:45 PM. Space is limited, so please call or e-mail to sign up. NEXT START DATE IS JULY 14TH, WITH A ONE WEEK BREAK ON AUGUST 11TH.

ADEC Conference

I have just returned from a truly unique and inspiring event! The 33rd Annual ADEC (Association of Death Education and Counseling) Conference combined this year with the 9th International Conference on Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society. I spent five days learning from some of the most brilliant minds in Thanatology. Sessions ranged from personal stories to presentations of acedemic research by Therapists, Psychiatrists, Educators, Chaplains, and so many other professions. I was humbled by personal stories that were shared and a little star struck meeting a few of the most well respected researchers and authors in the field. The two keynote speakers that were of particular interest to me were Roshi Joan Halifax, PhD, who talked about Compassionate and Mindful End of Life Care and Pauline Boss, PhD, who discussed Ambiguous Loss. I learned new techniques to incorporate into my practice including ecopsychological techniques, art therapy techniques, and a multitude of other therapeutic techniques. The attendees of this conference came from all over the world to share in what was certainly the most interesting and exciting professional conference I have attended to date. I will soon begin the process of becoming a CT (Certified Thanatologist) and look forward to continuing my very important work with those who have experienced loss in their lives. Thank you to the presenters, the other conference goers, and the people who allow me to share in their journeys through life, loss, and love.

Inspiration

What inspires you? I find inspiration in the stories people share with me about their lives. One area I have been thinking about a lot lately is how can you make a change for the better when you feel stuck. This is broad, I know. It can range from very simple change, such as a much needed updating of a blog, to a very serious change, for example changing your lifestyle to incorporate exercise or stop using substances or to combat unhealthy eating habits. People always talk about making changes, whether small or big, but what motivates and inspires real change?

One inspiring story involves a young man who I worked with in a detox program. On numerous occasions, he was brought to us by his parents or by the police, with the same ultimate result. He would stay a few days only to make his way back out onto the streets. Often in substance abuse treatment programs, people talk about how they needed to hit rock bottom before they were able to seek help for themselves. That is exactly what happened with this young man. He woke up one day after a heavy night of using and not only didn’t know where he was or who he was with, but he had the realization that this was not what he wanted for himself anymore. To clarify, it was not overnight that he realized how desperate his situation was. It was this night after so many other similar nights and near death experiences, and deaths of friends that he realized he had hit his rock bottom. Real change started with his first step back into detox, not escorted by his parents or the police, but on his own. He had to want this change for himself before any progress could happen. He did not stay clean the first time through, it took a few times, but each time he came back, he came back on his own because he wanted this for himself. He did become sober. I was happy to end my time with him knowing that he was happy for the first time in a long time because he achieved something that the majority of people told him he could never do.

It is truly a privilege to hear people’s stories, to gain insight, understanding, and inspiration from the message these stories tell. I believe that everyone has an inspiring story about achieving a dream, making a change, helping someone in need… the list could go on forever. I invite you to consider your own inspiring story and an inspiring story someone has shared with you. If you are feeling courageous, please share it in the comment section below. Otherwise, allow people’s stories, including your own, to inspire you to be who you wish to be in the world.

Protecting Children through Divorce

There are many factors that predict to what level a child will adjust post-divorce. Some of those factors are beyond control, such as age, gender, and personality / coping skills. But there are things that parents CAN do to minimize the effects of divorce on their children.

What causes difficulty for children in their adjustment post-divorce?

- Feelings of loss and grief: Some examples of loss that children may experience are a loss of their family unit, the loss of one parent when they move out despite ongoing contact, the loss of their home if both parents move, the loss of “normalcy”, loss of routine and a change in everyday life.

- Stress: children will experience stress during and after divorce in the form of financial stress particularly if the lifestyle they are accustomed to is effected; guilty feelings because most children (and teenagers) believe that they are the cause of the divorce or they could have prevented it and guilty feelings about their other feelings such as anger; daily living stress such as changes in schools, routines, living environment and moving from one house to another; familial stress with extended family members and also with friends of the family; parental stress when one or both parents is not coping well or when a parent is unaccustomed to caring for the children independent of the other parent during their initial time sharing; and stress in the form of fear of abandonment (if one parent left, what if both leave?).

- Exposure to parental conflict: the most often discussed factor in a child’s adjustment to divorce is the level of exposure to parental conflict. This includes fighting that is witnessed by the children, but also to a great degree includes putting the children in the middle, whether intentional or unintentional. In fact, children in non-conflictual divorced families have been shown to be more well adjusted than children in married highly conflictual families. When parents initially divorce, there may be a high level of conflict, however it is the parents responsibility to minimize this conflict, particularly regarding the children, and to model appropriate behavior and conflict resolution skills for their children. If parents are not able to come to agreements or manage their conflict, then parents owe it to their children to get help to make this possible – this is how children are safeguarded from the most severe effects of divorce – by keeping the children out of and away from the parental conflict.

What can parents do to minimize the negative effects of divorce on their children?

- Let your children be children: do not rely on them for input or emotional support, regardless of age. (this is known as the over-burdened child phenomena)

- Provide psychosocial support to children – either through psychotherapy or therapeutic programs geared toward children of divorce.

- Discuss separation and divorce with your children as early on as possible: many children are shocked to find out their parent’s are divorcing, allowing a more gradual process is preferable. If the divorce has already occurred, discussing what divorce is and that the children are not at fault is important. Regardless of the stage of separation or divorce, if both parents can discuss with the children together, this will allow the opportunity for the children to ask questions that both parents can answer, supporting for the children that they are not to blame and that both parents are onboard to help them in their adjustment. Parents should gently, but firmly, reinforce the finality of divorce to discourage reunification fantasies which can give children false hope and lead to a more drastic loss when the reunification fails to happen. Reunification fantasies are common and likely, but should be discouraged in a gentle manner. (parents meeting together with the children can be done with one parent on the phone if necessary, but parents MUST NOT engage in ANY conflict or fighting when talking together to the children). Children need to be told that despite the separation and possibly the change in living arrangements, that their parents will continue to be their parents and that they will continue to be loved and cared for by both.

- If one parent will no longer remain involved in the child’s life, discussing the divorce with the child and reminding them that this is not their fault is still crucial. It is also imperative that the remaining parent refrain from talking badly about the parent who chose to leave, despite how difficult this may be.

- Parents should separate their own issues from their parenting issues – meaning discussions about child rearing should be dealt with separately from discussions about money and other highly conflictual issues that do not involve the children when possible. Parents should make every attempt to reach agreements about how the children will be raised, their routines, discipline (which should be consistent between homes if time sharing), rewards, and activities of daily living such as school, doctor, and extracurricular activities.

- If possible, try to minimize as many changes for children as possible. When possible, make efforts to keep their routine, school, extracurriculars, playdates, doctors, and so on the same.

- Model good behavior: show your children how you effectively manage stress and conflict. Do not speak poorly about their other parent in front of your children – they view this as a reflection of themselves (ie: if my parent is bad and I am made up from ½ of my parent, then I must be bad too). Keep your children as far from parental conflict as possible. If you need help doing this or if you feel the other parent needs help doing this, suggest that you go to a family counselor for parental counseling or a parenting coordinator for assistance in implementing your parenting plan.

- Never ask your children questions that put them in the middle, such as interrogating them about their visit with their other parent or general questions about what the other parent is doing. Don’t put children in parentified positions – for example it is a lot of pressure and stress for a 9 year old boy to be told he is now the man of the house, instead affirm for him that he is a child and is expected to continue to be one.

- Never use visitation as a bargaining tool – do not hold visitation over the other parent’s head and do not use visitation or time sharing as a weapon or method of spying on the other parent. Children deserve to have both parents in their lives if possible. If you do not have real concerns about the other parent’s ability to be a good parent, than time sharing should be encouraged by both parents. When possible, both parents should support a positive relationship for the children and the other parent.